I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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