my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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