I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
