I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
