If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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