the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
