its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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