I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
