We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk is not a location!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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