everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
