Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
