So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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