I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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