Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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