I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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