you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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