If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dignity is for republicans.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
