I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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