I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
