How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
