OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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