When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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