I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
