My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
