I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
