If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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