I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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