Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
