he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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