I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
