You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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