somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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