Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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