Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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