I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
