Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
