everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
