She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
