Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
