Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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