Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
