someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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