Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
