wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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