Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
