not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
