Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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