I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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