the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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