I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
