I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
