No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You're a waste of cheezeits
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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