tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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