Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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