Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
