we're chasing vodka with high fives
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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