her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
